… in which our heroine travels up north with husband and two boys to escape the golden jubilee, but does not tweet during holiday as husband does not approve of tweeting during holidays. So these are my Tweets I Never Sent (but I composed in my head, ha! can’t stop me!) Hence the name tweetsINS. See also my previous tweetsins from Jersey.

Sunday

Lock door, check door, lock door, check door. And we’re off.

M6 is eternal

Penrith travelodge is “THE best hotel ever” announces elder son. This despite him having stayed in quite a lot of hotels. He is very excited about breakfast at little chef tomorrow morning.

Drive to keswick and end up eating Mexican. On a previous trip to penrith we were served tapas from a Lancashire woman in a flamenco dress. Is this typical?

Monday

I woke up very excited about breakfast at little chef.

The boys loved their porridge! And the coffee was good. #thankyouheston

M6

Loch Lomond boat trip: the middle islands were beautiful. Didn’t see any wallabees though.

view of loch lomond

Arrive at Culcreuch Castle in Fintry, drive up to our wooden lodge in the woods. Pretty #wow. Boys unimpressed. Clearly spoilt by the travelodge.

On a walk about, get into deep discussion with elder boy about whether animals can be naughty, or whether they are just being animals. Just animals, I think. He’s not convinced.

Once the boys are in bed I fall asleep on the sofa, looking out at the mountains listening to the deep silence outside. #bliss

Tuesday

Oversleep, panic panic, all dressed, march down to hotel for breakfast. Remember why I don’t eat kippers much. Dem bones dem bones.

Younger boy didn’t eat breakfast which always bodes badly. Oh oh.

Stirling castle, cool. Elder son asking many questions about goodies and baddies in wars. Gets a bit philosophical. Luckily distracted by a row over the map.

boys dressed liked kings

Stirling T3sco is, like, just the same, but they talk funny. Husband impressed by price of fuel.

Back at the lodge, hear about legionnaire’s disease breakout in Edinburgh. Having hyped Edinburgh to sons, now torn. Younger one wheezy as it is. Decide to avoid that city this holiday.

Another evening watching the mountains from the lodge. I could get used to this

mountain view from the lodge

Wednesday

Perth instead today. Nice wander around.

Find a half0rds for a patch for the windscreen, which had been hit by a tiny stone. Half0rds staff are crap. Didn’t even understand what we wanted.

Back via a whisky distillery right next to a WHOLE SHOP full of Baxters products. (?!?!)

Obviously, the evening is spent “tasting” our two new whiskies

Thursday

Thankfully not hungover

Fantastic drive through the mountains, due south from Fintry to Glasgow.

Glasgow science centre, riverside museum. Then kelvingrove museum, where sons ran riot with a friend’s daughter. Great day :-)

Friday

Check out, then 40 minutes into the journey south, youngest son pukes spectacularly everywhere. Oh joy. Nice landlord takes pity ad opens up for us to use the bathroom :-)

Explain situation to friend we’re on our way to. He is characteristically blase.

Across the A66 past appleby horse fair and a very large police presence. Develop conspiracy theories about the hills being full of nuclear bunkers.

Arrive at friends unbelievably posh manor house. Humbled.

7pm Youngest son pukes in friends dining room

Elder son has found new role model in friends son’s Lego skills. He gazes up adoringly.

Something called a gummy bears song, and a poo machine on “little big planet”, son is in nearly-5 heaven.

Saturday

Husband wakes up feeling sick. I eat a VERY nice cooked breakfast and get a tour of the grounds

I drive home with youngest and husband sick in the back, eldest and me sharing fruit pastels in the front.

The amazing thing when we get home, is that after months of it, our kitchen no longer smells of egg! #win

.. and that was our mini roadtrip: 80% castles 10% whisky 10% vomit. Classy :-)